“Is that it? Is that all there is?” Despite the joy of a normal family, the abnormal woman’s thirst for esteem was unquenchable.
After moving into their new home, and trying to fit the family into acceptability, troubling thoughts began to emerge. The abnormal woman’s mind was preoccupied with how parched, brittle, and gloomy she felt. She believed that her normal life was going to offer the respect and acceptance she craved. The move and the adoption proceedings had kept her mind focused on good things, but after the final adoptions, she settled into a daily routine, and came to a sobering conclusion. Consequences from her past weren’t going to magically disappear. Still, she managed to keep up appearances by pretending all was well.
She believed she was her dad, inside and out, succumbing to the same uncontrollable explosions of rage that he had suffered during his entire life. During her fits of uncontrollable anger, it didn’t matter whether it was physical (breaking windows with a clenched fist) or verbal (screaming at the top of her lungs), there was always remorse, embarrassment, and physical exhaustion afterward. At the time it was happening, she was almost incoherent. Then, she would be worthless and out of touch for the rest of that day and into the next. She felt foolish and defeated by self-hatred. Misdeeds from times past would come to mind.
She tried to justify it all by saying, “I can’t help it. I’m just like my dad!” That made it okay as far as she was concerned. Unfortunately, she was operating under the foolish notion that her dad was the perfect example to follow. She looked at her dad through the eyes of the people he surrounded himself with; he, and they had a fantasy of thinking that because he was a perfectionist, well then…he must be perfect.
The abnormal woman was obsessed with keeping the facade intact and without blemish, never allowing herself to slip into the reality of being human. This became an exhausting and demanding front to maintain, and the longer she tried to be perfect, the further into the abyss of self-loathing she fell, all the while thinking that perfection would come.
To be continued…